Empty Expectations

I think I've lost the ability to be genuine.

Seriously.

Or, if I haven't completely lost it, I've lost it in part. My whole life, there has been people around me - telling me what to say, what to do, how to behave. I have lived under the weight of others' expectations for the last twenty years and, as a result, I don't know if I even know how to be myself anymore. This is especially true when it comes to my relationship with Jesus.

I feel like people are around me, watching me at all times, with a certain expectation of how I am to behave in order to prove myself a spiritual person. I know that there have been moments between the LORD and I in which I confessed sin, apologized profusely, and sang to Him simply because I thought it was "what good Christians do".

Honestly, I've even questioned my salvation because of the way many people have defined Christianity for me. I can't count how many times I have thought, "Am I really good enough to be a Christian? 'cause this guy is saying that I need to do all these things and feel this way but I don't right now."

Telling someone they're not saved because they're distant from God? Bad plan. Satan is really good at using other believers to bring us down.

Is it really productive to confess sin that I feel no remorse for? I guess at that point, I really need to be praying for a change of heart which would yield a true confession and desire for change.

I miss...
-pouring my heart out to my LORD, my Abba
-praying aloud without feeling judged
-knowing when my words have meaning


Now, I have come full circle and looking at this, I don't believe I have truly lost the ability to be genuine. I think sometimes I confuse the repercussions of my sinful nature as a sign that I am not worthy or have lost the desire to know and follow hard after Him. Sratch the 'not worthy' part because I'm not but He wants me anyway!

Heart change is coming, if I let it.

I am just beginning to realize how hard this bondservant thing is.