Empty Expectations

I think I've lost the ability to be genuine.

Seriously.

Or, if I haven't completely lost it, I've lost it in part. My whole life, there has been people around me - telling me what to say, what to do, how to behave. I have lived under the weight of others' expectations for the last twenty years and, as a result, I don't know if I even know how to be myself anymore. This is especially true when it comes to my relationship with Jesus.

I feel like people are around me, watching me at all times, with a certain expectation of how I am to behave in order to prove myself a spiritual person. I know that there have been moments between the LORD and I in which I confessed sin, apologized profusely, and sang to Him simply because I thought it was "what good Christians do".

Honestly, I've even questioned my salvation because of the way many people have defined Christianity for me. I can't count how many times I have thought, "Am I really good enough to be a Christian? 'cause this guy is saying that I need to do all these things and feel this way but I don't right now."

Telling someone they're not saved because they're distant from God? Bad plan. Satan is really good at using other believers to bring us down.

Is it really productive to confess sin that I feel no remorse for? I guess at that point, I really need to be praying for a change of heart which would yield a true confession and desire for change.

I miss...
-pouring my heart out to my LORD, my Abba
-praying aloud without feeling judged
-knowing when my words have meaning


Now, I have come full circle and looking at this, I don't believe I have truly lost the ability to be genuine. I think sometimes I confuse the repercussions of my sinful nature as a sign that I am not worthy or have lost the desire to know and follow hard after Him. Sratch the 'not worthy' part because I'm not but He wants me anyway!

Heart change is coming, if I let it.

I am just beginning to realize how hard this bondservant thing is.

Tales of Community College Part 1 of ?

When I walked into my Fundamentals of Music class yesterday, I forgot one of the reasons I loved being in band: Musicians (and those who are completely obsessed with music and lack either the talent or attention span to learn to play) are so diverse.

Let me introduce you to the cast of characters:
1st - there's Mark, his hair is possibly as long as mine, during class his feet rest on his longboard and his life aspirations include becoming a "Music Wizard, dude!"
2nd - there's the guy who sits next to me - can't remember his name - who has to squish himself into those awesome chair/desk combos due to the fact that he's about 6'4" and 250 lbs. Also, he picks at his shoes the whole stinkin' time.... I've seen others do this, anybody know why? I don't understand.
3rd - there's Bradley who makes me laugh every time I look across the room simply because his head is shaped not unlike a balloon - he looks like a certain cartoon character whose name escapes me at the moment
4th - there's this guy who, if you stuffed his shoulder-length hair into a turban, would definitely look like a local in Saudi Arabia. His favorite band is The Beatles and his glasses look like the one's my dad sported at his high school graduation in '75. It's awesome.
5th - this one guy; he has blue hair, like bubble gum blue.

The rest of the class is a mixture of people including about half a dozen clean cut (maybe even ex-homeschoolers) people. There's definitely a good representation of chuck taylors and lace up vans yet not even an average of two peircings per person.

The best part?

The teacher who kind of reminds me of Jimminey Cricket, makes us sit in a circle and hates lecturing. Yes!