About Boys and Such

I feel like everyone and everything around me is telling me a need to find a man.

Culture: Hello?! Who even turns twenty anymore without ever having a boyfriend? That's [like] unheard of! (Well, I guess I'm unheard of :) )
Friends: Oh-so-many of my friends have significant others and I am attending at least seven weddings this year of friends and relatives my age! yeesh.
My Mom: Try as she might to tell me she really enjoys that I'm single right now, at least once a week she 'magically' throws that fact that so-and-so would be such good guy to marry into one of our conversations.
Extended Family: The two questions the first asked of me in phone conversation and at those oh-so-fun family reunions: -What are you studying?
-Who are you dating?


While all this business is going on, basically the whole stinking world is telling me I need to be dating someone and for the first time, I'm not listening. This fall is the first time in years that am not at least moderately infatuated with some guy and it's incredible how free I feel. My thoughts aren't consumed by how I'm going to get him talk to me, ask me out, etc. I am finally beginning to settle into my singleness and it's been oh so peaceful.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I'm living counter culture because I know it's what God has for me right now and that's totally and completely fine with me. Right now is about me figuring out who I am in Christ before I get to spend the rest of my life with someone else and coming to grips with the fact that marriage may not ever be in my future. God just needs me serving as Amanda right now not as Amanda and [insert male name here]. I feel like when I can completely let go and let God take control of my love life (or lack there of) is when He'll be able to really use me, I think I'm almost there... but honestly, I've felt this way before only to have God show me I have so much more to learn.

Claiming The Name of Christ

Jesus Christ, I think upon your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
But for now, I'll marvel at your wondrous grace
'Cause I'm feeling whole once again

Once again I look upon the cross where you died
I'm humbled by your mercy and broken inside
Once again I thank you, Lord
Once again I pour out my life


A lot the time when I'm at work, guarding, I sing to myself simply to make the time go faster. Lately, these lyrics keep coming to my lips and they are almost too convicting too think about. The most horrible thing is that I really don't care much that this isn't my attitude right now. This should be my attitude because when Jesus was put on the cross it WAS for me - it was a gift I didn't deserve and right now I feel like I'm throwing it to the wayside simply because I don't want to make the effort. Being a real live, living, breathing, follower of Jesus Christ is the hardest thing I have ever done - that any human will ever do if they chose to take that path.

As I said, being a follower of Christ is hard and when things get hard I tend to just quit and pretend they don't exist. Not such a good plan for anything, especially my spiritual health. I always tell everyone else to just suck it up and do it but when it comes down to it - I really don't want to give up my lifestyle, my comforts, my friends for the cause of Christ. That said, I basically don't deserve to be called His follower at all.

If I claim the name of Christ, yet fell ashamed to admit that in public - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ, yet fail to tell some of my closest friends what's most important in my life - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ and go on living in mediocrity like every other person - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ, yet there is no grace or encouragement in my speech - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ and go on treating people like they deserve less than I do - that's a problem.

I am a sinner: plain and simple. I have flaws, big ones in fact. The best thing about that is that I have been redeemed! Jesus paid for all my sins on that cross - what a humbling thought that is.

Lord,
take my apathy.
take my judgmental tendencies.
teach me to love like you.
help me to hold my tongue.
place optimism where pessimism lives.
place humility where pride lives.
thank you so much.
you are my daddy, healer, friend, comfort.
you are more forgiving than I know.

Tru Confessions Part 2 of ?

-I am an introvert.
-I hate crowds.
-I sometimes read while I'm at work, instead of actually working.
-Writing 121 at PCC was quite possibly easier than my 8th grade lit. class.
-Cannon Beach is my favorite place in the world.
-I wish I knew where Nevernever land was so I didn't have to grow up.
-Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I flip my pillow over to the cold side.

[Un]happy Holidays

I need to write more but I always feel like when I publish a blog it should be something at least semi-meaningful or self-examining. Right now, I'm at the point where I have been many times before, the point where I just want to exist. I don't want to think too hard or do too much, especially about my faith because that's one of the hardest, most challenging things in my life. This is not a good attitude but it's the one I have right now...

God and I are going to have to work on this but I feel like I need some serious alone time and the 5+ inches of snow outside is not allowing for that. Suckfest.

These holidays aren't turning out to be very happy.

This apathatic way of life is in no way fulfilling but it's simply where I am right now. I need to get out of this rut and off my butt and start doing something about this Jesus I claim to serve.

How's that for self-loathing?

Admitting Inadequacies Part 2 of ?

I am Prideful.

So much so that:
- more I often than not, I lead myself to believe that I am a better person, follower of Christ, employee, student, etc. than those around me.
- I struggle admit minuscule mistakes in judgment or speech.
-those people mentioned above, I feel like they should not get as many good things as I do because I 'deserve' it more than they do.

This is a problem.

It even says so in the bible:

"Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of a low position. Do not be conceited." Romans 12:16 (NIV)

"Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice." Proverbs 13:10 (NIV)


Acknowledging this makes me feel like the sinner I am. Looking at what the bible says, I remember how filthy I am for even thinking that these people deserve less love than I do and I'm the best thing that happened to this planet. As a follower of Christ, no one should be beneath me. He calls us to serve and how can we do that when we are up on our high horse looking down on those who didn't "make good choices"?And really...really? Who doesn't make poor choices at some point? If I'm honest with myself, I definitely fall into this category. All the more reason to take my rightful place, next to every other person in this world - not above them.

It's when I start to compare myself to others - that's when I begin to lose sight of the fact that really, it's just me and God. That's all that matters. I don't get to 'check-up' on others or judge them for anything. That's God's job.

The job he gave me is simple - to love them like He does. I can't do that if I lack to ability to admit my wrongs as well as the desire to serve those who I might consider undeserving of my time.

Tru Confessions: Part 1 of ?

-I go to Community College and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
-I am not proud to be an American. In fact, I'm a bit ashamed to be one.
-I would rather listen to a good clarinet, violin or trumpet solo than a spectacular guitar solo any day.
-When I'm home alone, I sing A LOT. :)
-I didn't know who the Jonas Brothers were until Summer 2008.
-I'm becoming more impulsive.
-Every time I see a fire alarm I just want to pull it and run.
-I secretly want to punch slow walking people in the back of the head.

That's all for now, got to go turn in my essay and say goodbye to writing classes for at least another term!

P.S. For those of you that read my last post: don't worry, 'tru' is misspelled on purpose.

Admitting Inadequacies: Part 1 of ?

This is just a simply apology for my lack of grammar skills/proofreading on this blog.
It's one of my personal pet peeves when people use bad grammar just because they don't want to take the time to correct their mistakes.
Also, it kind of throws off the reader when the wrong word is used - disallowing the work to flow.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the bad grammar.

I rarely take or even have the time to reread my posts before I publish them.

Forgive me? And feel free to point out my errors at any time. :)


P.S. Though this is a lighthearted post and I intended it to be a stand alone at that, I am planning on continuing this series and most likely getting serious about publicly admitting my mistakes. Not spilling all my deepest, darkest secrets mind you but just to publicly admit that I am not perfect which is generally a very healthy thing too do. It helps with that nasty thing called pride...

Living a Warfare Lifestyle

I've heard for countless years, through sermons, sunday school lessons, bible school and the like that, as Christians,

"...our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)

I've even been with friends and or acquaintances in situations where they are clearly being attacked by Satan and believe I myself have been under attack.

BUT, I don't believe this concept really penetrated my thought process until last week.

I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm reading the Word on a regular basis and constantly reflecting on what God has to say about my life as His follower. It's not like I wasn't doing this when I was at bible school but I kind of felt like someone was holding my hand the whole time I was in Cannon Beach. It's so easy to think about God, to seek His will, when you're in a Christian environment. Well, maybe not that easy a lot of last year was about struggling to figure out if this was really my faith or if it was just something I did because of my parents or because it was comfortable.

Getting back to the point...

Now that I'm here, actually seeking God's will in my life - ready to let Him change me. I realize how truly difficult it is to be a Bond servant of the one true God yet this is what I desire to become.

-Everything in my sinful nature twists inside me and wants to fight off the changes God is making in my life.

-Every time I'm getting somewhere with God - when I can see His character come out in me, Satan reaches up to squelch it. This fallen angel hits me where I'm weakest he brings my insecurities to the forefront of my mind in attempts to drown out the voice of truth.

And I can finally see it, I can see what Satan's doing and it's disheartening and thrilling at the same time.

Disheartening because that is simply what Satan wants it to be; multiple times in a day I succumb to my sinful nature. Yet, I know that God is there as the everlasting Father - to take my confession, throw my sin out the window, pick me up and comfort me in His arms.

Thrilling because I know that Satan is aware of me. I am worth spending time distracting because I have real power in Christ. I want God to work in me and that scares the enemy so much because if I have Christ within me, there's nothing he can do to stop me.

Prayer is what I need more of in my life right now because that is the only way to combat spiritually. So, as I seek to fully protect myself with the armor of God be patient 'cause I think it will take a while.