Shattered glass, shattered spirit.

This past Saturday evening, my car was broken into. It was parked in my cull-de-sac with pretty much nothing of value inside of it. The driver's side window was shattered, every thing in the vehicle had obviously been rifled through. My black pea coat, a pair of inexpensive gloves and the tape adapter for my iPod were taken. The trunk and engine untouched. The possessions themselves are collectively valued at less than seventy-five dollars and I really am not going to miss them much. My car is still running great and is very much repairable and for that I am very much thankful. Yet, this whole experience has shaken me up much more than I expected.

I don't understand why someone would do this and, if I'm honest, I'm kind of asking what I did to deserve this. It couldn't have come at a worse time. This is the first week of a term in which I'm taking 17 credits, I'm housesitting starting on wednesday and I'm planning on heading up to the Seattle area this weekend. And, it's not like money's super tight but this will definitely be a financial strain. Not to mention, I now feel unsettled about leaving my car out overnight because I really feel that unless I had put the car in the garage (which I couldn't have done), I believe my car would have been broken into no matter what. I just don't get it.

I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this either and I can almost feel a spirit of bitterness rising up inside of me - which is scary in a bad way. I just don't know what to do about feeling safe. I mean, what more can I do than leave my car locked with nothing of value inside?

What I really should do is look back on my theme verse for 2008, Isaiah 41:10

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Just like God was with the Israelites, He is with me. Therefore, I have nothing to fear.
Father, take my fears and my anxieties. Help me to trust in you because there is no power greater and no strength more magnificent than yours. I love you and I desire to honor you. LORD, help me honor you in this. Though I may not completely understand why, I know there's something to be learned from this because you told us through Paul that suffering (how ever small it may be) produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character, hope. So, father please take away my fear and tendencies towards bitterness and allow this experience to build character and bring me hope.

I Suck at Life, or Maybe Just Blogging

Well, here's the apology for not putting out much of anything lately for all two of you that actually read my blog. :) I've been super busy with school as of late and have begun to journal regularly again resulting in my thoughts being expressed in written form there instead of here.

An update/deeper posts are coming....

But I need to survive my Anatomy and Physiology final first.

Tales of Community College Part 2 of ?

This is what my teacher said in Into to Psych this morning, no joke.

"Most adolescents that end up at Community College are in a life crisis, trying to figure out who they are and what they want to be. These people are generally very confused about their place in life and have little to no direction."

Thank you, Dr. Tinker.

I think I'm just going to go wallow in self-pity and use my 'life crisis' as an excuse to put off applying to nursing school now.

Wow.

[insert title here]

i am....

seemingly insignificant.

feeling a pretty down these days.

attempting to go against the grain.

completely unconvinced that America is the best nation in the world.

without doubt as to the value of each any every human life.

asking the LORD to help me love those that drive me up the wall.

constantly questioning.

working on my judgment problem.

seeking to make the world a better place.

constantly coming up short.

giving my life over to Him again and again.

I AM LOVED.
John 3:16

Empty Expectations

I think I've lost the ability to be genuine.

Seriously.

Or, if I haven't completely lost it, I've lost it in part. My whole life, there has been people around me - telling me what to say, what to do, how to behave. I have lived under the weight of others' expectations for the last twenty years and, as a result, I don't know if I even know how to be myself anymore. This is especially true when it comes to my relationship with Jesus.

I feel like people are around me, watching me at all times, with a certain expectation of how I am to behave in order to prove myself a spiritual person. I know that there have been moments between the LORD and I in which I confessed sin, apologized profusely, and sang to Him simply because I thought it was "what good Christians do".

Honestly, I've even questioned my salvation because of the way many people have defined Christianity for me. I can't count how many times I have thought, "Am I really good enough to be a Christian? 'cause this guy is saying that I need to do all these things and feel this way but I don't right now."

Telling someone they're not saved because they're distant from God? Bad plan. Satan is really good at using other believers to bring us down.

Is it really productive to confess sin that I feel no remorse for? I guess at that point, I really need to be praying for a change of heart which would yield a true confession and desire for change.

I miss...
-pouring my heart out to my LORD, my Abba
-praying aloud without feeling judged
-knowing when my words have meaning


Now, I have come full circle and looking at this, I don't believe I have truly lost the ability to be genuine. I think sometimes I confuse the repercussions of my sinful nature as a sign that I am not worthy or have lost the desire to know and follow hard after Him. Sratch the 'not worthy' part because I'm not but He wants me anyway!

Heart change is coming, if I let it.

I am just beginning to realize how hard this bondservant thing is.

Tales of Community College Part 1 of ?

When I walked into my Fundamentals of Music class yesterday, I forgot one of the reasons I loved being in band: Musicians (and those who are completely obsessed with music and lack either the talent or attention span to learn to play) are so diverse.

Let me introduce you to the cast of characters:
1st - there's Mark, his hair is possibly as long as mine, during class his feet rest on his longboard and his life aspirations include becoming a "Music Wizard, dude!"
2nd - there's the guy who sits next to me - can't remember his name - who has to squish himself into those awesome chair/desk combos due to the fact that he's about 6'4" and 250 lbs. Also, he picks at his shoes the whole stinkin' time.... I've seen others do this, anybody know why? I don't understand.
3rd - there's Bradley who makes me laugh every time I look across the room simply because his head is shaped not unlike a balloon - he looks like a certain cartoon character whose name escapes me at the moment
4th - there's this guy who, if you stuffed his shoulder-length hair into a turban, would definitely look like a local in Saudi Arabia. His favorite band is The Beatles and his glasses look like the one's my dad sported at his high school graduation in '75. It's awesome.
5th - this one guy; he has blue hair, like bubble gum blue.

The rest of the class is a mixture of people including about half a dozen clean cut (maybe even ex-homeschoolers) people. There's definitely a good representation of chuck taylors and lace up vans yet not even an average of two peircings per person.

The best part?

The teacher who kind of reminds me of Jimminey Cricket, makes us sit in a circle and hates lecturing. Yes!

About Boys and Such

I feel like everyone and everything around me is telling me a need to find a man.

Culture: Hello?! Who even turns twenty anymore without ever having a boyfriend? That's [like] unheard of! (Well, I guess I'm unheard of :) )
Friends: Oh-so-many of my friends have significant others and I am attending at least seven weddings this year of friends and relatives my age! yeesh.
My Mom: Try as she might to tell me she really enjoys that I'm single right now, at least once a week she 'magically' throws that fact that so-and-so would be such good guy to marry into one of our conversations.
Extended Family: The two questions the first asked of me in phone conversation and at those oh-so-fun family reunions: -What are you studying?
-Who are you dating?


While all this business is going on, basically the whole stinking world is telling me I need to be dating someone and for the first time, I'm not listening. This fall is the first time in years that am not at least moderately infatuated with some guy and it's incredible how free I feel. My thoughts aren't consumed by how I'm going to get him talk to me, ask me out, etc. I am finally beginning to settle into my singleness and it's been oh so peaceful.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I'm living counter culture because I know it's what God has for me right now and that's totally and completely fine with me. Right now is about me figuring out who I am in Christ before I get to spend the rest of my life with someone else and coming to grips with the fact that marriage may not ever be in my future. God just needs me serving as Amanda right now not as Amanda and [insert male name here]. I feel like when I can completely let go and let God take control of my love life (or lack there of) is when He'll be able to really use me, I think I'm almost there... but honestly, I've felt this way before only to have God show me I have so much more to learn.

Claiming The Name of Christ

Jesus Christ, I think upon your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
But for now, I'll marvel at your wondrous grace
'Cause I'm feeling whole once again

Once again I look upon the cross where you died
I'm humbled by your mercy and broken inside
Once again I thank you, Lord
Once again I pour out my life


A lot the time when I'm at work, guarding, I sing to myself simply to make the time go faster. Lately, these lyrics keep coming to my lips and they are almost too convicting too think about. The most horrible thing is that I really don't care much that this isn't my attitude right now. This should be my attitude because when Jesus was put on the cross it WAS for me - it was a gift I didn't deserve and right now I feel like I'm throwing it to the wayside simply because I don't want to make the effort. Being a real live, living, breathing, follower of Jesus Christ is the hardest thing I have ever done - that any human will ever do if they chose to take that path.

As I said, being a follower of Christ is hard and when things get hard I tend to just quit and pretend they don't exist. Not such a good plan for anything, especially my spiritual health. I always tell everyone else to just suck it up and do it but when it comes down to it - I really don't want to give up my lifestyle, my comforts, my friends for the cause of Christ. That said, I basically don't deserve to be called His follower at all.

If I claim the name of Christ, yet fell ashamed to admit that in public - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ, yet fail to tell some of my closest friends what's most important in my life - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ and go on living in mediocrity like every other person - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ, yet there is no grace or encouragement in my speech - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ and go on treating people like they deserve less than I do - that's a problem.

I am a sinner: plain and simple. I have flaws, big ones in fact. The best thing about that is that I have been redeemed! Jesus paid for all my sins on that cross - what a humbling thought that is.

Lord,
take my apathy.
take my judgmental tendencies.
teach me to love like you.
help me to hold my tongue.
place optimism where pessimism lives.
place humility where pride lives.
thank you so much.
you are my daddy, healer, friend, comfort.
you are more forgiving than I know.

Tru Confessions Part 2 of ?

-I am an introvert.
-I hate crowds.
-I sometimes read while I'm at work, instead of actually working.
-Writing 121 at PCC was quite possibly easier than my 8th grade lit. class.
-Cannon Beach is my favorite place in the world.
-I wish I knew where Nevernever land was so I didn't have to grow up.
-Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I flip my pillow over to the cold side.

[Un]happy Holidays

I need to write more but I always feel like when I publish a blog it should be something at least semi-meaningful or self-examining. Right now, I'm at the point where I have been many times before, the point where I just want to exist. I don't want to think too hard or do too much, especially about my faith because that's one of the hardest, most challenging things in my life. This is not a good attitude but it's the one I have right now...

God and I are going to have to work on this but I feel like I need some serious alone time and the 5+ inches of snow outside is not allowing for that. Suckfest.

These holidays aren't turning out to be very happy.

This apathatic way of life is in no way fulfilling but it's simply where I am right now. I need to get out of this rut and off my butt and start doing something about this Jesus I claim to serve.

How's that for self-loathing?

Admitting Inadequacies Part 2 of ?

I am Prideful.

So much so that:
- more I often than not, I lead myself to believe that I am a better person, follower of Christ, employee, student, etc. than those around me.
- I struggle admit minuscule mistakes in judgment or speech.
-those people mentioned above, I feel like they should not get as many good things as I do because I 'deserve' it more than they do.

This is a problem.

It even says so in the bible:

"Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of a low position. Do not be conceited." Romans 12:16 (NIV)

"Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice." Proverbs 13:10 (NIV)


Acknowledging this makes me feel like the sinner I am. Looking at what the bible says, I remember how filthy I am for even thinking that these people deserve less love than I do and I'm the best thing that happened to this planet. As a follower of Christ, no one should be beneath me. He calls us to serve and how can we do that when we are up on our high horse looking down on those who didn't "make good choices"?And really...really? Who doesn't make poor choices at some point? If I'm honest with myself, I definitely fall into this category. All the more reason to take my rightful place, next to every other person in this world - not above them.

It's when I start to compare myself to others - that's when I begin to lose sight of the fact that really, it's just me and God. That's all that matters. I don't get to 'check-up' on others or judge them for anything. That's God's job.

The job he gave me is simple - to love them like He does. I can't do that if I lack to ability to admit my wrongs as well as the desire to serve those who I might consider undeserving of my time.

Tru Confessions: Part 1 of ?

-I go to Community College and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
-I am not proud to be an American. In fact, I'm a bit ashamed to be one.
-I would rather listen to a good clarinet, violin or trumpet solo than a spectacular guitar solo any day.
-When I'm home alone, I sing A LOT. :)
-I didn't know who the Jonas Brothers were until Summer 2008.
-I'm becoming more impulsive.
-Every time I see a fire alarm I just want to pull it and run.
-I secretly want to punch slow walking people in the back of the head.

That's all for now, got to go turn in my essay and say goodbye to writing classes for at least another term!

P.S. For those of you that read my last post: don't worry, 'tru' is misspelled on purpose.

Admitting Inadequacies: Part 1 of ?

This is just a simply apology for my lack of grammar skills/proofreading on this blog.
It's one of my personal pet peeves when people use bad grammar just because they don't want to take the time to correct their mistakes.
Also, it kind of throws off the reader when the wrong word is used - disallowing the work to flow.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the bad grammar.

I rarely take or even have the time to reread my posts before I publish them.

Forgive me? And feel free to point out my errors at any time. :)


P.S. Though this is a lighthearted post and I intended it to be a stand alone at that, I am planning on continuing this series and most likely getting serious about publicly admitting my mistakes. Not spilling all my deepest, darkest secrets mind you but just to publicly admit that I am not perfect which is generally a very healthy thing too do. It helps with that nasty thing called pride...

Living a Warfare Lifestyle

I've heard for countless years, through sermons, sunday school lessons, bible school and the like that, as Christians,

"...our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)

I've even been with friends and or acquaintances in situations where they are clearly being attacked by Satan and believe I myself have been under attack.

BUT, I don't believe this concept really penetrated my thought process until last week.

I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm reading the Word on a regular basis and constantly reflecting on what God has to say about my life as His follower. It's not like I wasn't doing this when I was at bible school but I kind of felt like someone was holding my hand the whole time I was in Cannon Beach. It's so easy to think about God, to seek His will, when you're in a Christian environment. Well, maybe not that easy a lot of last year was about struggling to figure out if this was really my faith or if it was just something I did because of my parents or because it was comfortable.

Getting back to the point...

Now that I'm here, actually seeking God's will in my life - ready to let Him change me. I realize how truly difficult it is to be a Bond servant of the one true God yet this is what I desire to become.

-Everything in my sinful nature twists inside me and wants to fight off the changes God is making in my life.

-Every time I'm getting somewhere with God - when I can see His character come out in me, Satan reaches up to squelch it. This fallen angel hits me where I'm weakest he brings my insecurities to the forefront of my mind in attempts to drown out the voice of truth.

And I can finally see it, I can see what Satan's doing and it's disheartening and thrilling at the same time.

Disheartening because that is simply what Satan wants it to be; multiple times in a day I succumb to my sinful nature. Yet, I know that God is there as the everlasting Father - to take my confession, throw my sin out the window, pick me up and comfort me in His arms.

Thrilling because I know that Satan is aware of me. I am worth spending time distracting because I have real power in Christ. I want God to work in me and that scares the enemy so much because if I have Christ within me, there's nothing he can do to stop me.

Prayer is what I need more of in my life right now because that is the only way to combat spiritually. So, as I seek to fully protect myself with the armor of God be patient 'cause I think it will take a while.

Boggled By Blessings

In holiday tradition,

I would like to take the time to reflect on the many blessings in my life.

I am thankful for...
...Jesus dying on the cross for my sins, so that I could spend eternity with Him. :)
...forgiveness
...My mom, who is one of my best friends
...my daddy, who never ceases to make me laugh and doesn't go a day without letting me know how much he loves me.
...my job - 11/hr. and it's only 1 1/2 miles from my house!
...my car, it gets me everywhere I need to go and some places I want to go
...the opportunity to go to college and get a degree
...all my amazing friends, too many to mention plus this way I don't leave anyone out.
...my computer, I spend way too much time on this thing
...The Way, a ministry that blessed me so much over the past three years
...my experience at Ecola Bible School and the way it has shaped me into the person I am today
...Harvest, a piece of my heart will always remain at this church
...A warm house
...having so many clothes that I could go at LEAST three weeks without doing laundry
...caramel lattes :)
...my extended family, their love and support never ceases
...good health
...having so many friends that I cannot keep up with them all
...living in a nation where I am free to live out my faith without fear
...my pseudo families, the Join-in and the Weatherford 7
...music
...good books
...the opportunity to be involved in Portland Improv
...gas prices plummeting
...snail mail
...my intelect
...my voice, the ability to sing
...never being need

So much....so much to be thankful for and I'm pretty sure there's more.

A Little Perspective on Sin

Oh yes, I know this tension that you speak of
We're in the palm of a hand making a fist
It'd be best for one of us to speak up
But we prefer to pretend it does not exist

And you can't see past the blood on my hands
To see that you've been aptly damned
To fail and fail again

Cause we're all guilty of the same things
We think the thoughts whether or not we see them through
And I know that I have been forgiven
And I just hope you can forgive me too

So don't you dare blame me for
Prying open the door
That's unleashed the bitterness
That's here in the midst of this
Sometimes we live for no one but ourselves

And what we've been striving for
Has turned into nothing more
Than bodies limp on the floor
Victims of falling short
We kiss goodbye the cheek of our true love

Forgiven By Relient K


As I drove home from school today, this song came on. Since the first time I heard this, I thought it was something the church needed to hear but today I got some new perspective.

Picture this:
God is holy.
He is the Creator of the Universe.

Man is sinful, prideful and self-centered.

These lyrics speak of how grudges are formed because we "can't see past on the blood" on our brothers' and sisters' hands.

If there are sins that we find too atrocious, disgusting, hurtful or shocking to forgive. Think about how God sees that sin. We are men - creatures of sin and yet we are replused by it. How much more would God be replused by it?!

He's Holy aka he has no sin. He is as far away from sin as you can get. So, when we sin God's feelings of disgust, shock, replusion and hurt are much more magnified than ours when we commit sins against others and ourselves.

The good news? (also known as the Gospel :))

WE ARE FORGIVEN!

God sent Jesus so that He could look on us in love again, despite our sin. So that our sins would be paid for and covered - never to return again.

How freeing is that?!

The next time you are replused, hurt, shocked or whatever by someone else's sin, take a moment to stop and remember that you have been forgiven by someone who finds your sin a lot more replusive that you do. Remember what God has done for you and that you are a sinner.

Forgive your brothers and sisters - love them, encourage them and pray for them because this is how the body of Christ works.

The Wasted Life

So, I've been reading Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper for about three weeks now. I'm making slow progress because I don't have a lot of time and it's a lot of info to chew on. Still, as I read, I find myself nodding along with nearly everything in this book. Piper talks about what's wrong with American Christianity today and what we need to do in order to live the live God intended for us - to live the life not wasted. He speaks of the purpose of man and how we are meant to live in accordance to God's plan. And, up until last Friday, I thought I was doing alright.

This last weekend, I visited Ecola for the third time this year. It was a bittersweet weekend filled with lots of good memories, making several new friends, catching up, and a few goodbyes. It definitely made me miss just living at the beach. There's something that happened on that trip, a heart thing, that I need to examine.

Friday night, the students were having a worship time in the chapel and I decided to stop by. When I got there, I just stood in the doorway not feeling like it was my place to go in. I listened as the students poured their hearts out to God through prayer and then praise Him in song. I watched them support each other when a brother or sister was obviously struggling. It became hard for me to watch and even brought tears to my eyes because I miss that. I miss living in that environment where there's always someone to pray with you where God is ALWAYS at the forefront. It's easy to remember why we're here and who we're living for when you have bible classes five days a week.

It began to question God, to ask him why I didn't have this amazing fellowship anymore. I wished that I was as close to Him as I was last year - that I was still reading my bible and praying every morning. Then came the wave of tears and the tearing of my heart.

My heart broke when God reached down and told me that I could be this close to Him still - that I was the only thing standing in my way. I simply was not willing to make the sacrifice of my time or my sleep or my tv shows. I was ashamed.
My heart broke because I realized that I was living the wasted life God calls us away from. I had been talking about my aspirations to become a missionary while neglecting to love my co-workers and the people in my classes at school.

I came to these realizations on Friday but I fear I forgot all about them Saturday morning and haven't thought much of them until now.

Father,
Be with me.
Help me.
Lift me up.
I can't do this on my own.
Constantly remind me who I am,
Why I'm here.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ and I MUST lose my life to gain it.

Seeking to be an Everyday Hero

I came to realize several years ago that the more you know about someone's story, the less you can hate them, and, as of late, it's really been on the forefront of my mind. I believe that by calling us to love people, Jesus calls us to get to know people's stories. You can say you love someone when you show them kindness out of "Christian" obligation but really, you don't. You can take pity one someone and buy them a meal or give them your old coat because you "feel sorry for them" but is that really going to make a difference in someone's life long term? To really share the love of Christ, we must seek out people's stories. When we know someone's story it becomes easy to sympathize and relate to them. And, in getting to know someone's story - asking them about themselves, you let them know they are worthy of more than charity. They are worthy of your time. I learn time and time again that first impressions are never what they seem and most everyone is worth getting to know. Now, my challenge to myself and to you is this:

Find someone you don't know well or even at all, maybe someone you don't even like and ask them about their life. Get a piece of their story. And help them to understand that there is at least one person out there who cares enough to listen.

Tootles!

Career Choice [Official?]

I have decided, Lord willing and in good faith that I will not utterly collapse while completing my degree, to become...

A nurse!

The reason for this is multi-fold:
1) I feel that it's wrong that many people in developed nations have health care at their fingertips and I would be honored to be able to provide health care to people in less developed countries or underprivileged people or developed nations. In other words, I want to be the hands of feet of Jesus and giving medical attention to those who wouldn't normally get it would be a great way to do that.
2) I know that if I stay in the States or come back the the states at any time, I'm pretty much guaranteed at job somewhere.

Thoughts on the Human Exsistance

Excerpt from my journal, written 4/23/08:

Sometimes I wish I wasn't born because being human is hard. There's simply no way around it. Sin broke this world days after it was created. It's full of pain, confusion, hate, fear and any bad thing you could think of. If you don't know God, you have to simply stumble through life, trying to avoid as much of the bad stuff as possible. If you know God, you live your life making every effort to do the reverse of what the world calls you to while still living in the world. It's a lose, lose situation. But- there's a catch-22, according to the Christian faith, this life is simply a blip on the line of eternity and we are in fact eternal beings. Therefore, if these are the two options, we should chose the latter. Who wants to live life alone if they can have someone to walk them through the tough times? Besides, according to that same faith, heaven and hell exist and the promise to those who walk with God is an eternity of joy, love and all the good gifts. Who doesn't want that? Life with God is hard but the reward is so sweet. Life without God is harder and there is no eternal reward, just condemnation. I chose God.