You became nothing, poured out to death
But for now, I'll marvel at your wondrous grace
'Cause I'm feeling whole once again
Once again I look upon the cross where you died
I'm humbled by your mercy and broken inside
Once again I thank you, Lord
Once again I pour out my life
A lot the time when I'm at work, guarding, I sing to myself simply to make the time go faster. Lately, these lyrics keep coming to my lips and they are almost too convicting too think about. The most horrible thing is that I really don't care much that this isn't my attitude right now. This should be my attitude because when Jesus was put on the cross it WAS for me - it was a gift I didn't deserve and right now I feel like I'm throwing it to the wayside simply because I don't want to make the effort. Being a real live, living, breathing, follower of Jesus Christ is the hardest thing I have ever done - that any human will ever do if they chose to take that path.
As I said, being a follower of Christ is hard and when things get hard I tend to just quit and pretend they don't exist. Not such a good plan for anything, especially my spiritual health. I always tell everyone else to just suck it up and do it but when it comes down to it - I really don't want to give up my lifestyle, my comforts, my friends for the cause of Christ. That said, I basically don't deserve to be called His follower at all.
If I claim the name of Christ, yet fell ashamed to admit that in public - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ, yet fail to tell some of my closest friends what's most important in my life - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ and go on living in mediocrity like every other person - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ, yet there is no grace or encouragement in my speech - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ and go on treating people like they deserve less than I do - that's a problem.
I am a sinner: plain and simple. I have flaws, big ones in fact. The best thing about that is that I have been redeemed! Jesus paid for all my sins on that cross - what a humbling thought that is.
Lord,
take my apathy.
take my judgmental tendencies.
teach me to love like you.
help me to hold my tongue.
place optimism where pessimism lives.
place humility where pride lives.
thank you so much.
you are my daddy, healer, friend, comfort.
you are more forgiving than I know.
1 comment:
As bad as it sounds, I'm glad you're going through this too, because then I'm not alone in it.
A lot of what you said is sorta what I'm thinking but can't articulate.
The worst part is I see myself not really caring, see myself becoming ineffective, and... I just can't make myself care. There's part of me that does want to care, and then the rest of me just doesn't. It's weird, I've never really been like this and always thought when it came down to it I could just be self-motivated enough to kick myself into seeking Christ... but I can't, what's with that?
And what with claiming the name of Christ, I don't really even feel like I'm capable right now - as in, how can I claim to be a follower of Christ when I'm being such a downer? I don't have joy like I should. Mostly I just need to be spending more time in the Word, but even then I practically feel physically incapable, like it's not even an option. Sometimes out of guilt, I'll slip a few psalms or verses in real quick before bed, which I'll probably do in a few minutes, but that's not how God wants us to be spending time with Him.
I feel like a lot of this will get better once I have fellowship with other Christians and the accountability and stuff at Ecola and all this makes me realize I'm not ready to leave the 'greenhouse' like I thought I was...
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