Empty Expectations

I think I've lost the ability to be genuine.

Seriously.

Or, if I haven't completely lost it, I've lost it in part. My whole life, there has been people around me - telling me what to say, what to do, how to behave. I have lived under the weight of others' expectations for the last twenty years and, as a result, I don't know if I even know how to be myself anymore. This is especially true when it comes to my relationship with Jesus.

I feel like people are around me, watching me at all times, with a certain expectation of how I am to behave in order to prove myself a spiritual person. I know that there have been moments between the LORD and I in which I confessed sin, apologized profusely, and sang to Him simply because I thought it was "what good Christians do".

Honestly, I've even questioned my salvation because of the way many people have defined Christianity for me. I can't count how many times I have thought, "Am I really good enough to be a Christian? 'cause this guy is saying that I need to do all these things and feel this way but I don't right now."

Telling someone they're not saved because they're distant from God? Bad plan. Satan is really good at using other believers to bring us down.

Is it really productive to confess sin that I feel no remorse for? I guess at that point, I really need to be praying for a change of heart which would yield a true confession and desire for change.

I miss...
-pouring my heart out to my LORD, my Abba
-praying aloud without feeling judged
-knowing when my words have meaning


Now, I have come full circle and looking at this, I don't believe I have truly lost the ability to be genuine. I think sometimes I confuse the repercussions of my sinful nature as a sign that I am not worthy or have lost the desire to know and follow hard after Him. Sratch the 'not worthy' part because I'm not but He wants me anyway!

Heart change is coming, if I let it.

I am just beginning to realize how hard this bondservant thing is.

Tales of Community College Part 1 of ?

When I walked into my Fundamentals of Music class yesterday, I forgot one of the reasons I loved being in band: Musicians (and those who are completely obsessed with music and lack either the talent or attention span to learn to play) are so diverse.

Let me introduce you to the cast of characters:
1st - there's Mark, his hair is possibly as long as mine, during class his feet rest on his longboard and his life aspirations include becoming a "Music Wizard, dude!"
2nd - there's the guy who sits next to me - can't remember his name - who has to squish himself into those awesome chair/desk combos due to the fact that he's about 6'4" and 250 lbs. Also, he picks at his shoes the whole stinkin' time.... I've seen others do this, anybody know why? I don't understand.
3rd - there's Bradley who makes me laugh every time I look across the room simply because his head is shaped not unlike a balloon - he looks like a certain cartoon character whose name escapes me at the moment
4th - there's this guy who, if you stuffed his shoulder-length hair into a turban, would definitely look like a local in Saudi Arabia. His favorite band is The Beatles and his glasses look like the one's my dad sported at his high school graduation in '75. It's awesome.
5th - this one guy; he has blue hair, like bubble gum blue.

The rest of the class is a mixture of people including about half a dozen clean cut (maybe even ex-homeschoolers) people. There's definitely a good representation of chuck taylors and lace up vans yet not even an average of two peircings per person.

The best part?

The teacher who kind of reminds me of Jimminey Cricket, makes us sit in a circle and hates lecturing. Yes!

About Boys and Such

I feel like everyone and everything around me is telling me a need to find a man.

Culture: Hello?! Who even turns twenty anymore without ever having a boyfriend? That's [like] unheard of! (Well, I guess I'm unheard of :) )
Friends: Oh-so-many of my friends have significant others and I am attending at least seven weddings this year of friends and relatives my age! yeesh.
My Mom: Try as she might to tell me she really enjoys that I'm single right now, at least once a week she 'magically' throws that fact that so-and-so would be such good guy to marry into one of our conversations.
Extended Family: The two questions the first asked of me in phone conversation and at those oh-so-fun family reunions: -What are you studying?
-Who are you dating?


While all this business is going on, basically the whole stinking world is telling me I need to be dating someone and for the first time, I'm not listening. This fall is the first time in years that am not at least moderately infatuated with some guy and it's incredible how free I feel. My thoughts aren't consumed by how I'm going to get him talk to me, ask me out, etc. I am finally beginning to settle into my singleness and it's been oh so peaceful.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I'm living counter culture because I know it's what God has for me right now and that's totally and completely fine with me. Right now is about me figuring out who I am in Christ before I get to spend the rest of my life with someone else and coming to grips with the fact that marriage may not ever be in my future. God just needs me serving as Amanda right now not as Amanda and [insert male name here]. I feel like when I can completely let go and let God take control of my love life (or lack there of) is when He'll be able to really use me, I think I'm almost there... but honestly, I've felt this way before only to have God show me I have so much more to learn.

Claiming The Name of Christ

Jesus Christ, I think upon your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
But for now, I'll marvel at your wondrous grace
'Cause I'm feeling whole once again

Once again I look upon the cross where you died
I'm humbled by your mercy and broken inside
Once again I thank you, Lord
Once again I pour out my life


A lot the time when I'm at work, guarding, I sing to myself simply to make the time go faster. Lately, these lyrics keep coming to my lips and they are almost too convicting too think about. The most horrible thing is that I really don't care much that this isn't my attitude right now. This should be my attitude because when Jesus was put on the cross it WAS for me - it was a gift I didn't deserve and right now I feel like I'm throwing it to the wayside simply because I don't want to make the effort. Being a real live, living, breathing, follower of Jesus Christ is the hardest thing I have ever done - that any human will ever do if they chose to take that path.

As I said, being a follower of Christ is hard and when things get hard I tend to just quit and pretend they don't exist. Not such a good plan for anything, especially my spiritual health. I always tell everyone else to just suck it up and do it but when it comes down to it - I really don't want to give up my lifestyle, my comforts, my friends for the cause of Christ. That said, I basically don't deserve to be called His follower at all.

If I claim the name of Christ, yet fell ashamed to admit that in public - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ, yet fail to tell some of my closest friends what's most important in my life - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ and go on living in mediocrity like every other person - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ, yet there is no grace or encouragement in my speech - that's a problem.
If I claim the name of Christ and go on treating people like they deserve less than I do - that's a problem.

I am a sinner: plain and simple. I have flaws, big ones in fact. The best thing about that is that I have been redeemed! Jesus paid for all my sins on that cross - what a humbling thought that is.

Lord,
take my apathy.
take my judgmental tendencies.
teach me to love like you.
help me to hold my tongue.
place optimism where pessimism lives.
place humility where pride lives.
thank you so much.
you are my daddy, healer, friend, comfort.
you are more forgiving than I know.

Tru Confessions Part 2 of ?

-I am an introvert.
-I hate crowds.
-I sometimes read while I'm at work, instead of actually working.
-Writing 121 at PCC was quite possibly easier than my 8th grade lit. class.
-Cannon Beach is my favorite place in the world.
-I wish I knew where Nevernever land was so I didn't have to grow up.
-Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I flip my pillow over to the cold side.

[Un]happy Holidays

I need to write more but I always feel like when I publish a blog it should be something at least semi-meaningful or self-examining. Right now, I'm at the point where I have been many times before, the point where I just want to exist. I don't want to think too hard or do too much, especially about my faith because that's one of the hardest, most challenging things in my life. This is not a good attitude but it's the one I have right now...

God and I are going to have to work on this but I feel like I need some serious alone time and the 5+ inches of snow outside is not allowing for that. Suckfest.

These holidays aren't turning out to be very happy.

This apathatic way of life is in no way fulfilling but it's simply where I am right now. I need to get out of this rut and off my butt and start doing something about this Jesus I claim to serve.

How's that for self-loathing?

Admitting Inadequacies Part 2 of ?

I am Prideful.

So much so that:
- more I often than not, I lead myself to believe that I am a better person, follower of Christ, employee, student, etc. than those around me.
- I struggle admit minuscule mistakes in judgment or speech.
-those people mentioned above, I feel like they should not get as many good things as I do because I 'deserve' it more than they do.

This is a problem.

It even says so in the bible:

"Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of a low position. Do not be conceited." Romans 12:16 (NIV)

"Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice." Proverbs 13:10 (NIV)


Acknowledging this makes me feel like the sinner I am. Looking at what the bible says, I remember how filthy I am for even thinking that these people deserve less love than I do and I'm the best thing that happened to this planet. As a follower of Christ, no one should be beneath me. He calls us to serve and how can we do that when we are up on our high horse looking down on those who didn't "make good choices"?And really...really? Who doesn't make poor choices at some point? If I'm honest with myself, I definitely fall into this category. All the more reason to take my rightful place, next to every other person in this world - not above them.

It's when I start to compare myself to others - that's when I begin to lose sight of the fact that really, it's just me and God. That's all that matters. I don't get to 'check-up' on others or judge them for anything. That's God's job.

The job he gave me is simple - to love them like He does. I can't do that if I lack to ability to admit my wrongs as well as the desire to serve those who I might consider undeserving of my time.