Shattered glass, shattered spirit.

This past Saturday evening, my car was broken into. It was parked in my cull-de-sac with pretty much nothing of value inside of it. The driver's side window was shattered, every thing in the vehicle had obviously been rifled through. My black pea coat, a pair of inexpensive gloves and the tape adapter for my iPod were taken. The trunk and engine untouched. The possessions themselves are collectively valued at less than seventy-five dollars and I really am not going to miss them much. My car is still running great and is very much repairable and for that I am very much thankful. Yet, this whole experience has shaken me up much more than I expected.

I don't understand why someone would do this and, if I'm honest, I'm kind of asking what I did to deserve this. It couldn't have come at a worse time. This is the first week of a term in which I'm taking 17 credits, I'm housesitting starting on wednesday and I'm planning on heading up to the Seattle area this weekend. And, it's not like money's super tight but this will definitely be a financial strain. Not to mention, I now feel unsettled about leaving my car out overnight because I really feel that unless I had put the car in the garage (which I couldn't have done), I believe my car would have been broken into no matter what. I just don't get it.

I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this either and I can almost feel a spirit of bitterness rising up inside of me - which is scary in a bad way. I just don't know what to do about feeling safe. I mean, what more can I do than leave my car locked with nothing of value inside?

What I really should do is look back on my theme verse for 2008, Isaiah 41:10

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Just like God was with the Israelites, He is with me. Therefore, I have nothing to fear.
Father, take my fears and my anxieties. Help me to trust in you because there is no power greater and no strength more magnificent than yours. I love you and I desire to honor you. LORD, help me honor you in this. Though I may not completely understand why, I know there's something to be learned from this because you told us through Paul that suffering (how ever small it may be) produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character, hope. So, father please take away my fear and tendencies towards bitterness and allow this experience to build character and bring me hope.

I Suck at Life, or Maybe Just Blogging

Well, here's the apology for not putting out much of anything lately for all two of you that actually read my blog. :) I've been super busy with school as of late and have begun to journal regularly again resulting in my thoughts being expressed in written form there instead of here.

An update/deeper posts are coming....

But I need to survive my Anatomy and Physiology final first.

Tales of Community College Part 2 of ?

This is what my teacher said in Into to Psych this morning, no joke.

"Most adolescents that end up at Community College are in a life crisis, trying to figure out who they are and what they want to be. These people are generally very confused about their place in life and have little to no direction."

Thank you, Dr. Tinker.

I think I'm just going to go wallow in self-pity and use my 'life crisis' as an excuse to put off applying to nursing school now.

Wow.

[insert title here]

i am....

seemingly insignificant.

feeling a pretty down these days.

attempting to go against the grain.

completely unconvinced that America is the best nation in the world.

without doubt as to the value of each any every human life.

asking the LORD to help me love those that drive me up the wall.

constantly questioning.

working on my judgment problem.

seeking to make the world a better place.

constantly coming up short.

giving my life over to Him again and again.

I AM LOVED.
John 3:16

Empty Expectations

I think I've lost the ability to be genuine.

Seriously.

Or, if I haven't completely lost it, I've lost it in part. My whole life, there has been people around me - telling me what to say, what to do, how to behave. I have lived under the weight of others' expectations for the last twenty years and, as a result, I don't know if I even know how to be myself anymore. This is especially true when it comes to my relationship with Jesus.

I feel like people are around me, watching me at all times, with a certain expectation of how I am to behave in order to prove myself a spiritual person. I know that there have been moments between the LORD and I in which I confessed sin, apologized profusely, and sang to Him simply because I thought it was "what good Christians do".

Honestly, I've even questioned my salvation because of the way many people have defined Christianity for me. I can't count how many times I have thought, "Am I really good enough to be a Christian? 'cause this guy is saying that I need to do all these things and feel this way but I don't right now."

Telling someone they're not saved because they're distant from God? Bad plan. Satan is really good at using other believers to bring us down.

Is it really productive to confess sin that I feel no remorse for? I guess at that point, I really need to be praying for a change of heart which would yield a true confession and desire for change.

I miss...
-pouring my heart out to my LORD, my Abba
-praying aloud without feeling judged
-knowing when my words have meaning


Now, I have come full circle and looking at this, I don't believe I have truly lost the ability to be genuine. I think sometimes I confuse the repercussions of my sinful nature as a sign that I am not worthy or have lost the desire to know and follow hard after Him. Sratch the 'not worthy' part because I'm not but He wants me anyway!

Heart change is coming, if I let it.

I am just beginning to realize how hard this bondservant thing is.

Tales of Community College Part 1 of ?

When I walked into my Fundamentals of Music class yesterday, I forgot one of the reasons I loved being in band: Musicians (and those who are completely obsessed with music and lack either the talent or attention span to learn to play) are so diverse.

Let me introduce you to the cast of characters:
1st - there's Mark, his hair is possibly as long as mine, during class his feet rest on his longboard and his life aspirations include becoming a "Music Wizard, dude!"
2nd - there's the guy who sits next to me - can't remember his name - who has to squish himself into those awesome chair/desk combos due to the fact that he's about 6'4" and 250 lbs. Also, he picks at his shoes the whole stinkin' time.... I've seen others do this, anybody know why? I don't understand.
3rd - there's Bradley who makes me laugh every time I look across the room simply because his head is shaped not unlike a balloon - he looks like a certain cartoon character whose name escapes me at the moment
4th - there's this guy who, if you stuffed his shoulder-length hair into a turban, would definitely look like a local in Saudi Arabia. His favorite band is The Beatles and his glasses look like the one's my dad sported at his high school graduation in '75. It's awesome.
5th - this one guy; he has blue hair, like bubble gum blue.

The rest of the class is a mixture of people including about half a dozen clean cut (maybe even ex-homeschoolers) people. There's definitely a good representation of chuck taylors and lace up vans yet not even an average of two peircings per person.

The best part?

The teacher who kind of reminds me of Jimminey Cricket, makes us sit in a circle and hates lecturing. Yes!

About Boys and Such

I feel like everyone and everything around me is telling me a need to find a man.

Culture: Hello?! Who even turns twenty anymore without ever having a boyfriend? That's [like] unheard of! (Well, I guess I'm unheard of :) )
Friends: Oh-so-many of my friends have significant others and I am attending at least seven weddings this year of friends and relatives my age! yeesh.
My Mom: Try as she might to tell me she really enjoys that I'm single right now, at least once a week she 'magically' throws that fact that so-and-so would be such good guy to marry into one of our conversations.
Extended Family: The two questions the first asked of me in phone conversation and at those oh-so-fun family reunions: -What are you studying?
-Who are you dating?


While all this business is going on, basically the whole stinking world is telling me I need to be dating someone and for the first time, I'm not listening. This fall is the first time in years that am not at least moderately infatuated with some guy and it's incredible how free I feel. My thoughts aren't consumed by how I'm going to get him talk to me, ask me out, etc. I am finally beginning to settle into my singleness and it's been oh so peaceful.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I'm living counter culture because I know it's what God has for me right now and that's totally and completely fine with me. Right now is about me figuring out who I am in Christ before I get to spend the rest of my life with someone else and coming to grips with the fact that marriage may not ever be in my future. God just needs me serving as Amanda right now not as Amanda and [insert male name here]. I feel like when I can completely let go and let God take control of my love life (or lack there of) is when He'll be able to really use me, I think I'm almost there... but honestly, I've felt this way before only to have God show me I have so much more to learn.